The Case Against Fruitcake: Why Fruitcake Sucks

NOSA: Christmas is around the corner and it's that time of year you get bombarded with hampers as well as our dreaded enemy - Fruitcake. I don't know why I have to do this every year, but I feel this announcement is necessary. 


FOLLY: Apparently, fruitcake is classy. 

NOSA: Look, nobody wants your fruitcake. Not even your wicked aunty that notices how much you've "increased" every year and she deserves all the bad things the world has to offer. 

FOLLY: The Royal Wedding cake was a fruit cake. Will and Kate's favourite too.

NOSA: I pretty sure there's a direct relationship between fruitcake consumption and male pattern baldness. 

I'll never understand why you'll ruin something as beautiful as a wedding with something as vile as fruitcake

The worst type of fruitcake has to be those ones that look like chocolate cake, but alas, they aren't. 

FOLLY: Like oatmeal and raisin cookies you think are chocolate chip cookies. 

NOSA: Christmas hamper cake must be changed!

FOLLY: We need a paradigm shift on this one!! Some of you are clamoring for red velvet to be the new fruit cake but nah it's already too mainstream to ever become a classic.

NOSA: I don't think i'll ever be able to recover from red velvet cake being just chocolate cake with red poster color. 

FOLLY: That said, how about good old vanilla sponge as the new fruit cake. On one hand, it's certainly boring enough to be classic and also is plain, simple and unoffending. So, my vote is cast in favour of vanilla sponge as the challenger for the position of "classy cake".

NOSA: The jig is up on fruitcake. WAAYYYY UP.