A Lesson in Meh-ness

Brown's Cafe

16B Akin Olugbade St., Victoria Island, Lagos

0704 535 9805



NOSA: So there's this story that Orchid Bistro and Brown's Cafe used to be one and the same. It was called Robert's Cafe or some shit. The partners fought and went their separate ways. One went to Ikeja and set up Orchid Bistro, while the other stayed in VI and changed the name to Brown's. 

We've been to Orchid Bistro already, so we wanted to hear the Brown's side of the story. To make things fair, we checked out their Sunday brunch, like we did with Orchid Bistro.

FOLLY: Nosa and I got two plates to share - the 3x3 Omelette and Pancakes. 

NOSA: ...Because the buffet was the deadest fucking thing. 

FOLLY: Funny thing is that one waiter took our order and then another came back to take it again because she said the other guy 'wasn't making sense'  

NOSA: Brown's Cafe gave the eggs a fancy name and served us scraps.

FOLLY: The eggs had me wishing I had just stayed at home to eat cause it was really nothing special. It looked and taste like what comes out of my kitchen at home. 

NOSA: The eggs need salt. This is really what the cook makes at home when he's not in our mood. Like, this is his "these people have come with their wahala" egg. Mandem called it "3x3 Omelette". When real omelettes are coming out, will this thing come out too? Pisstake.

FOLLY: Also asked for brown bread and got white. 

NOSA: The pancakes were...ok. That's really the most apt description for it.

FOLLY: You can't tell me the syrup or the pancake mix or both weren't Aunt Jemima. I've eaten that stuff for years so I know how it tastes. If it indeed was Aunt Jemima mix, which I strongly believe it was, that's highly unacceptable for a restaurant. 

For a diner, I can overlook it, but for a restaurant nah. I'd actually rather they made struggle eggy pancakes so I know they mixed it themselves than a box mix.  

NOSA: The real shame here is that lots of people gas Brown's Cafe so much. My old boss used to eat here a lot. Not only is he a shit judge of talent (he hired me ffs), he's a shit judge of food.

FOLLY: I think their cakes are nice though, my cousin orders them. 


FOLLY: I really thought the meal was a waste of money cause it lacked quality. For a tiny fraction of the money spent, I could have bought the eggs, green peppers, onions and tomatoes and fried the damned eggs and even plated them better.

NOSA: Whole thing tasted like shit you can make at home. While the price is < N5000, it still feels like I wasted money. Maybe this is why Orchid Bistro and Brown's Cafe split up. Heels In The Kitchen did something at Brown's a while ago. Maybe the owner should just give her the space and collect rent.



Buttermilk Pancakes - N2800

3x3 Omelette - N2200