The Definitive Ranking of Fruits

Since we started this blog, I’ve discovered that Nosa is a hater of many things. But there’s one thing Nosa hates more than every other thing in the world: fruits.

For shame. If he liked them, maybe he’d look like Anthony Joshua over here.

Anthony Joshua Fruits.jpg

I digress.

Ranking the fruits was actually easy because there are only like five really solid Tier 1 fruits. The majority are bitter and tasteless, you can fight me on the streets if you disagree.

A couple fruits didn’t make our list because they’re basically useless. Berries, for instance, are only good for Five Alive Berry Blast. Nobody is eating those in real life. And, what are you doing with lemons and limes when you’re not a bartender.

All that said, here is the only ranking of fruits you should care about.

15. Melon

These are like watermelons, but worse. I’ve had melon before (or cantaloupe in some parts) but I can’t remember what it tastes like and that’s likely because it has no taste whatsoever. It's like the tofu of fruits


14. Watermelon

Watermelon, as the name implies, is literally 99% water. Watermelon gets ranked slightly higher than melon because of its pretty pink color and its application in the making of Watermelon-Vodka. However, most times It tastes like nothing and the seeds are hella inconvenient.


13. Strawberries


Think Tom Cruise as an actor. Are there any actual good Tom Cruise movies? Are strawberries any better than a prop for over-the-top romantic gestures?


12. Agbalumo

This shouldn’t even be ranked because it's a vile fruit that makes people smack their lips unattractively while they eat it. However, Kitchen Butterfly has managed to turn it into a refreshing drink and Hans & Rene into a delectable sorbet (but only when mixed with mango) so I guess it’s saveable. Agbalumo has been gentrified at this point so maybe I should give it a little credit.


11. Pink Grapefruit

This is pretty much an alte orange. Like, an orange that sits in a room smelling like incense. The Erykah Badu of fruits. It isn't all bad when sprinkled with sugar to be completely honest, but the yellow one is so bad, so so bad.


10. Paw Paw

Yet another tasteless fruit but it's slightly enjoyable when cold or juiced with something sweet like oranges.


9. Coconut

This is a fruit, right?


8. Mango

Mangos are delicious but incredibly stressful to eat. First of all, there's that big ass seed in the middle interrupting EVERYTHING.

Next, miss me with the stringiness. If mangoes weren't actually sweet, agbalumo and mango would be basically on par. Another important note: Mangoes also can't be eaten in public. You literally need a bib, floss, toothpick, soap and water to do justice to this fruit.  


7. African Rose Apples

Cute little fruits these are. They rank high solely based on cuteness and nostalgia. If you don't like that make your own list or fight in the comments, either way, I don't care.


6. Red (never green) Apple

NEVER EVER green apples, those are only useful for making apple crumble. For eating, only red or blushing apples are acceptable.


5. Banana

Who doesn't love bananas? They have so many tidy applications like banana bread, banoffee pie, banana pudding, baby food, the list goes on. It also helps that it's such a tidy fruit because its casing folds on itself for a mess free disposal - just like diapers. 


4. Grapes

Grapes are easily the most convenient fruit to consume. Even Nosa doesn't hate grapes, that's saying something. Also, grapes give us wine. How can you hate wine?


3. Tangerine

Tangerine, unlike bananas, lose points on the tidiness factor. I do like that you can eat these without a knife, unlike oranges. The most annoying thing is the string that gets everywhere and the citrus in your nails but these are so sweet who cares?


2. Oranges


Oranges are almost the perfect fruit from the spherical shape to its the sunny color. Oranges give us freshly squeezed orange juice and mimosas so hating oranges is blasphemy. How could you even? These should be number one, in fact.


1. Pineapple

Without a doubt, pineapples are the best fruit ever, ever. It's even a hairstyle, there's no other fruit on this list that has a hairstyle named after it.