The Orchid Bistro

Green Village, 58A Isaac John St., GRA, Ikeja

01 773 9090

NOSA: Folly suggested this place out of nowhere. I had never heard of it prior to her picking it as our next spot. I'm proper n00b when it comes to Mainland Lagos. Don't know where any place is. In fact, my car will probably start beeping as soon as I get on the bridge. Thankfully, Folly has no such problem.

Orchid Bistro is located in the weirdest possible space. I'm not the biggest fan of the exterior. It's pretty much trapped in a complex with a menswear store, a hair salon, and a nail studio that doesn't let little kids in. About that, that's such a genius move. Little kids are the absolute worst. 

 Good idea

Good idea

Anyway, the interior is a different ball game. There's not a lot of real estate but it doesn't feel tight. Not in the slightest. It's all cozy and ting.


The bacon was pretty good. I was totally shocked it wasn't struggle bacon. The pork sausages weren't my cup of tea, but take my opinion with a pinch of salt because Satis is the only sausage I gastronomically fuck with. If you read this and your daddy is CEO of UAC Foods, tell him the streets need that Satis.

FOLLY: So here's my take on the buffet: Sausages, check; Potatoes, check minus; Bacon, check plus; Mushrooms, check;  and "Corned Beef Egg", check plus. Overall, it was good but a bit underwhelming and there wasn't a varied selection. The scrambled eggs looked so sad, so Nosa and I both went for the "corned beef egg" which was unusual but yummy nonetheless.

Fresh Orange Juice.jpg

NOSA: Another thing, they had freshly squeezed orange juice. Nice, I guess. If you're into that type of thing. The only time I care about freshly squeezed OJ is if it's in a mimosa. Otherwise, you can keep it. I like my OJ made with 0% oranges. Word to Sunny Delight.

FOLLY: Oh, and Orchid Bistro if you're reading this please heat your buffet chaffing dishes. 


At the Orchid Bistro, with the buffet you can order a couple of items "From the Grill", pancakes, waffles, french toast etc. Hmmm, maybe they meant "From the Griddle" ? Okay, let's not nitpick. I ordered pancakes "from the grill" (ugh I can't help it), and Nosa got a waffle. Pancakes were awesome. Golden brown on the outside; airy, light and fluffy on the inside. 


NOSA: The waffle...sigh

How can somethin' so meh be so pretty in pictures?

- Jay Z, probably.

The nondescriptness of the waffle is particularly noteworthy, if that makes any sense. It's just so...there. Overwhelmingly average.

For dessert, Folly got cake in akamu. I'm serious. Well, technically it was an Apple Crumble but I shouldn't be surprised, you know? She dipped cheese naan in ketchup the other day. Today, she made some weird ketchup + syrup concoction and smothered her bacon in it. Ay Dios mio!


FOLLY: This is where things got interesting. GUYS, Nosa is a "local champion" ! He says he can't tell the difference between pap, akamu and custard; to him they all taste the same and he loathes all. When we were done, he claimed that the crumble left him "dissatisfied" or something like that. But of course it did as he only picked at the crumble, and avoided the apples and custard, with finesse, I might add. At a point, I started pouring custard over the crumble to force him to eat it but he just laughed and put down his spoon. Eventually, I made a wager with him for him to eat a little custard for 500 naira, Igbo man like him, of course he ate it. Sigh. 

PS the crumble isn't included in the buffet, we ordered it off the regular menu. A steal at 1,000 Naira (if you ask me and not Nosa). 


Buffet  - N5000 (per person)

Apple Crumble - N1000